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~~~February 28, 2004~~~
"Seven months down, two to go. We're in the home stretch, guys. So, how have things been? Anything new to report, any problems or questions?"
"Oh, no, everything has been fine," Ben answered, swinging his bare legs slightly as he sat on the examination table. "She's getting more active. Ray can feel her kick now."
Ray's expression melted into a smile. "She's a busy one. Takes after my side of the family. But there was something we wanted to bring up, wasn't there, Benny?" he added seriously. It wasn't a question.
Blue eyes looked at him innocently. "I don't think so, Ray."
"Oh, I'm sure there was. Remember that new development" he emphasized the word "we were going to tell the doctor about?" These words were greeted by a reproachful blue glare, which he met without flinching.
As the doctor in question was clearly waiting for an explanation, Ben gave in. With a sigh and a final dark look at Ray, who shrugged it off with a satisfied smile, he said, "Yes, well, Ray is referring, I believe, to the fact that I seem to be experiencing some, er... well, you see... that is...um." He took a deep breath and began again. "I have noticed some... mammary development."
"I see. This is in addition to the tenderness you were having before?" He nodded, and she scribbled something in her notebook. "Mm hmm. And when did you first notice this?"
"About a month ago, maybe more."
"Hm. Have you noticed any lumps or unevenness?" A shake of the head. "Any pain?"
"No."
"What about any kind of a discharge from the nipples?"
"No, no, nothing like that!"
She glanced up to see the expressions of surprise on Ben's face and sheer horror on Ray's, and quickly explained. "It's not uncommon for a woman in the later stages of pregnancy to produce a clear fluid from the nipples. It happened in one or two of our animal subjects on this project as well."
"If... that happened," Ray asked, "how long would it last?"
"It varies. It may last for only a few days, or it could continue throughout the pregnancy or even longer. There were studies done several years ago that showed that it is possible, given the right circumstances, for a man to actually lactate."
"Lac..." An inarticulate gurgle came from one or both of the men, she wasn't sure. What she was sure of was that they were both now staring at her in shock. She stifled a wicked desire to laugh.
"There have even been documented cases of male lactation in nature in a few species."
Ben shook his head slightly as though he were trying to get his thoughts to fall into place. It seemed to work, as, with an effort, he managed to produce two words. "Fruit bat."
Ray stared at him with an expression which clearly said "One of us is losing it, but I'm not going to run until I figure out which."
The doctor regarded him thoughtfully. "I think you're right. It's been a while since I read the article, so I'm a little hazy on the details, but I'm pretty sure it was a bat. Somewhere in Southeast Asia, if I remember correctly."
"Malaysia." Ben was still floored emotionally, but logic and memory were quicker to recover and he spoke with conviction. "The Dayak fruit bat. Ten males were found with mammary glands distended with milk." He paused. "The article also mentioned that the same, ah, effect occurred in human males who had been given estrogen, something which you, as I recall, also warned us about before we embarked on this... enterprise."
"But hearing it and experiencing it are two different things, huh?" Her smile was genuinely sympathetic this time, and he nodded.
"No kidding," Ray said faintly, from where he sat limply in the chair by the window.
"Well." Dr. Young said briskly, shattering the heavy silence which had begun to gather. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or IF we come to it, since it's by no means certain that we will. In the meantime, how about you let me examine you and we'll make sure everything's OK?"
"Sure." Ben took hold of the front of his gown. "Do you, ah, need to see them?"
"It would probably be best."
He swallowed and rolled his eyes heavenward briefly, then removed the thin blue garment.
The doctor inspected his small breasts carefully, then raised a hand. "May I?" He nodded, and she palpated gently. "This may be a bit uncomfortable, but it shouldn't be painful. Let me know if anything I do hurts you."
When she was satisfied that everything was all right, he put his hospital gown back on. Then there were the usual blood and urine samples to test his hormone levels, and she measured and recorded the size of his swollen belly. "Growth should slow down a little for the next month or so, but you should still expect to gain about half a pound to a pound a week. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but you may actually want to consider getting a few maternity tops."
"Oh, no, that's quite all right," Ben hastened to reassure her. "We've actually thought about it. We just haven't gotten around to actually going... shopping."
"Well, I can recommend a few shops if you want. They generally have pretty nice stuff, and the prices are reasonable. The clinic keeps a list that we give out to our patients, and you can pick up a copy at the front desk on your way out."
Ray nodded. "I'll take care of it."
"And now," she continued more seriously, "I have to warn you, these last few weeks could be tricky. You know that she isn't getting as much blood as a fetus usually would from the female endometriumthat's the uterine lining-- and because of that she's at some risk for oxygen deprivation. I don't expect that we'll have a problem as long as you stay calm and don't try to do too much. Stress and physical exertion cause more of your blood to be diverted to the heart, lungs, and limbs, and away from the lower abdomen where she can use it. So I want you to be careful, OK? I know it can be really tough to sit back and let other people do things for you, but as your doctor I'm ordering you to try. If you feel yourself starting to get anxious or tense, I want you to sit down and will yourself to relax. And let Ray do anything physical that needs doing. Promise?"
Ben agreed, then hesitantly asked "What about, ah..." he blushed.
She grinned. "Sex? Sex is fine as long as you don't get too acrobatic about it. It tends to concentrate the blood right where she needs it."
"Ah. Yes. Um. Well. What, ah, symptoms should I watch for if she is having trouble?"
"Fetal distress can be hard to catch outside a hospital. It usually happens during difficult labors, where we track it with special monitors. If you don't feel any movement for twenty-four hours, come in and we'll hook you up. Another thing you might watch for is a slight pain in the lower abdomen, as the reduced blood flow is taken up by the fetus and pulled away from your own organs. If that happens, lie down, elevate your feet, and take deep, slow breaths. If the pain doesn't go away within about fifteen seconds, get Ray to call 911 and get here FAST. And while he's calling, you don't do a thing. You just keep breathing and do your best to relax. If you want to try to increase blood flow, Ray can massage the area gently. Don't push too hard, and don't use too much friction, because that will bring the blood to the surface. Just a gentle, circular motion."
"Got it," said Ray, wide-eyed.
"Hey, don't worry, guys. I don't mean to scare you. You've done great so far, and pretty soon we'll be home free. Besides, now we have a safety valve. If things do go wrong, you're far enough along that we can deliver the baby prematurely. It's best if we can wait it out for the full 36 weeks, but at this point she has a pretty good chance of survival in the outside world. Everything will be all right."
*****
"So, Benny, you up to a little shopping?" Ray asked as they stepped out into the warm February sunshine.
Ben stopped and stretched his back outside the clinic door. "I don't know, Ray," he said hesitantly.
"Oh, come on. I think we both need to go out and do something fun after this morning."
"Shopping for maternity clothes is fun?"
"Sure. Shopping for anything can be fun as long as you go about it in the right frame of mind. Remember how you didn't think shopping for a bed was going to be fun until I made you go?"
Ben smiled. "And you made me lie down and roll on every single mattress in six different stores."
"And did you have fun?"
"Well..."
Ray helped Ben into the passenger's seat of the Riv, then placed his hands on the roof and leaned down so that they could still speak on a level. "Come on, Benny. Shopping is an adventure, and--"
"And anything can happen," Ben finished for him. "I know. All right, Ray. Let's go shopping."
"Great!" He closed Ben's door for him and walked around to the driver's side, where he found Ben flopped across the seats, trying to unlock his door with his usual courtesy. Ray sighed and used his key. Ben pushed himself up laboriously, and he restrained the urge to help, trusting Ben not to push his limits. Then he got in and pulled a folded sheet of paper out of his jacket pocket. "Okay... First on the list is Babies and Mothers on Oxford Street." He started the engine, and they were off.
To Ben's surprise, they only visited three maternity shops before Ray agreed to call it a day. The shopping itself was surprisingly enjoyable, as for the first time he tried on clothes that had been designed for a pregnant figure and actually fit him comfortably. After the first "May I help you, ma'am?" they got used to Ben's being treated as a woman, and it became part of the adventure.
Ben refused to buy anything but the very plainest clothes, and at the first store he wouldn't even try on a shirt that wasn't solid or plaid. At the second, he allowed himself to be talked into "modelling" a dark blue tunic with a scattering of tiny stars. By the time they reached the third, he was in his best mood, filled with the energy of late pregnancy. The saleswoman at the final store had been having a slow day and was happy to have someone to help, and aided and abetted by Ray, she got Ben into a long, scoop-necked velour party dress. Laughing, hair rumpled into soft curls by hours of pulling clothes on and off, the drape of the fabric emphasizing his budding figure, he looked like the perfect portrait of the expectant mother.
"God, Benny, I wish I'd brought the camera. This is a picture I'm going to want to remember. Frannie would die if she knew I'd actually gotten you to wear a dress."
"Oh, well, it's a good thing you didn't. I like your sister, Ray. I'd hate to be responsible for her death."
"Actually..." Their co-conspirator disappeared behind the sales counter and, a few rattling and shuffling noises later, reemerged with an ancient Polaroid camera.
"Oh dear." Ben hid his face in his hands.
"I'm a grandmother, kids. I'm always prepared. Now smile, young lady. Shoulders back. Tilt your head a little. That's it!" *Click.* She took the developing photo and handed it to Ray, and stowed the camera back in her overflowing handbag. "You know, you have a beautiful face. You ought to dress up a little more, show it off. When I was young, we used to always wear makeup and short skirts to show off our legs for the young gentlemen. You hardly see anybody dressed up nice and feminine anymore. Why, when you walked in here, if you hadn't been pregnant I could almost have believed you were a man. Now, you look so nice and pretty in that, it's a crying shame."
The smile had frozen on Ben's face with the word "man." With an effort, he brought it back. "Thank you kindly. I suppose I just never felt the need to dress up. I don't really have occasion to very often in my line of work."
"Oh? What do you do?"
Ben hesitated and looked at Ray, but no help was forthcoming. "I'm a police officer."
"A woman police officer! Well, what times we do live in. You let her do that?" She turned to Ray incredulously.
"Let her? I'm her partner on the force. I count on her."
"You're a policeman too? What a family for your poor baby to grow up in!"
"Hey, she'll always be safe."
"I suppose so! Well, dear, are you going to take the dress? You do look lovely in it."
Ben smiled. "I'm afraid I don't have anywhere to wear it. But we will take the dark green shirt and the black pants."
"All right. I'll ring them up for you while you go change."
Ray had already paid for the clothes when he came out of the dressing room, and the lady handed him the bag. "Here you go, Jenny." He gave her a startled glance. "That is your name, isn't it? I thought I heard your husband call you that earlier. My hearing isn't quite what it used to be though..."
"Oh, no. I mean, yes. I was, ah, thinking of something else."
"Oh. All rightie, then, you two have a nice day. And if you change your mind about that dress, you come on back now, y'hear?"
"Will do. Thank you kindly, ma'am."
"Come on, Jenny," Ray said with an evil grin, and took his arm. "Let's go home."
*****
"You're awfully quiet," Ray commented on the way back to the apartment. "Hope I didn't tire you out?" Ben didn't move, and continued to stare out the car window. "Benny?"
He started. "Hm? Oh. Ah, no, it's not that. I feel fine. It's just that I, ah... It's nothing, really. Forget I mentioned it."
"You didn't mention it. I mentioned it. And if something's bothering you, then we should discuss it."
"Oh, Ray, it's nothing. It's... it's silly."
"So?"
"Ray, I really..."
"Oh, come on. I promise I won't laugh."
"A... all right. It's just that, well, after all of this... and then today, I was just thinking that... I mean, I was worried about... no, perhaps that's not the right word, I was... Ray, do you think I'm losing my masculinity?"
Fortunately the task of keeping the car from running off the road prevented Ray from breaking his promise. When they were once again securely pointed in the right direction and running smoothly, and Ray had had a few seconds in which to recover, he answered. "Whadda ya mean, Benny? You're the most masculine guy I know. You're the world-famous Supermountie, Defender of Peace, Upholder of Justice, voted Most Desirable Date by the women of Chicago three years running. You can wrestle bears and build a cabin starting with an ax and a forest. Believe me, you're masculine."
Ben sighed. "I know that I was, Ray, but what about now? I mean, I'm pregnant. I am developing secondary female sexual characteristics. I am in love with another man, Ray! I--"
"Well, I hope you don't regret that!"
"No, no, Ray, that isn't what I meant at all. I love you and I love our child. But three saleswomen today thought that I was a woman, even without the makeup that I wore as Miss Fraser. And I didn't find it at all difficult to maintain the charade." He fished the Riv's rearview mirror out of the glove compartment and scrutinized his face. "Do I look like a woman?" He turned his head carefully this way and that, moving the mirror now closer, now farther away. "I suppose my features have softened slightly, probably as a result of the estrogen. And my color is rather high. But Ray, do you think--"
"No, I don't! I think it takes a lot of balls to do what you're doing. Most guys would never have even considered carrying a child, and even if they did they would've gone crazy long before this. You're a great man, Benny. You just wait until after the baby's born, and all of this stuff" he waved his hand to indicate Ben's face and body "is gone and you're back to normal."
"But, Ray, what if it doesn't? What if these changes are permanent?"
"They won't be, Benny."
"But Ray, we don't know that. Naturally, the pregnancy will be over, and my waistline will be correspondingly smaller, but what about the rest? I always assumed that I would just snap back into my old body, maybe with a few weeks or months of physical training to get back into fighting trim, but maybe it won't be that simple."
"What do you mean? Why shouldn't it? It's just baby fat."
"Well, yes and no. Some of my physical changes are indeed due to adipose tissue, but the breast development is glandular. I can't just do a few hundred sit-ups and make them go away."
The Riviera had its second close encounter with oblivion in about five minutes. "You mean they're permanent?!"
"It is a possibility."
"And you've known about this for how long and you didn't tell me?"
"Well, Ray, it's elementary really. Once a woman's breasts develop, they don't just disappear. They may be reduced in size by exercise, but without surgery some breast tissue will always be present. It also occurs in men who take steroids to increase muscle mass. They will stop taking the drugs after they notice the changes, but the breasts will remain. I just assumed that the same principle would apply to me."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"I assumed that you would figure it out in the same way that I did. And if you didn't, then I didn't want to worry you unnecessarily. There's nothing either of us can really do about it. We'll deal with it if and when we have to."
"You see, Benny, this is what's wrong with you. You figure that just because there's nothing I can do, that I don't want to hear about what's bothering you. Maybe I want to worry about you. I want to worry with you."
"I'm sorry, Ray." Ben crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window.
"Oh, come on, Benny, don't do this to me!"
"I'm not doing anything to you."
"Oh, yes you are. You're clamming up on me like you always do when we're having a discussion. Don't shut me out, Benny. You and I are a couple, and we're about to be parents. That means we have to be in sync, and we can't do that if you won't talk to me."
"Ray, that's not fair. I do talk to you, it's just... you know it's always been hard for me. It's hard for me to tell you how I feel when I don't *know* how I feel. You think out loud, Ray, and the whole process is right out there on the surface. I was taught that you never speak unless you have something to say. I wish I had your freedom about some things, Ray, but I don't. It just doesn't come naturally for me. And I do try to tell you when I think there is something you need to know, but there are some things you just don't need to hear about right away, and maybe I need time to decide how to tell you in my own way."
They pulled into the apartment's lot, and Ray parked the car, but didn't get out. "Okay. I know you need time, Benny, and I can respect that. But come on, how much time do you need? You say you've known about the breasts since we got back here in January--"
"A few weeks after we returned."
"Okay, a few weeks later. So, say the middle of January. Or we'll be generous, say the end of January. And I know how fast your mind works, Benny, it didn't take you that long to figure out that it might be permanent. Today is the last day of February! Can--"
"Actually, Ray, tomorrow is the last day of February. It's a leap year."
"Whatever! Don't try to change the subject!"
"I'm not."
"Okay." Ray took a deep breath. "I'm calm. The point is, Benny, that it's been over a month and you still hadn't said anything. You were changing in the bathroom to keep me from finding out about it in the first place, and then when I did find out and we did talk about it, you never said 'by the way, Ray, this is probably permanent.' When were you going to tell me?"
"Is it that important?"
"What?"
"How I look. My breasts. Is it that important to you? Would it change the way you feel about me, or would you have acted differently if I had told you a month ago? What would it have changed?"
"It's not about that. I do like the way you look, Benny, but I wouldn't care if you looked like Jabba the Hutt as long as you were still you inside. This is about trust. This is about communication. I don't care if you have breasts like Dolly Parton and keep them until the day we die at the ripe old age of a hundred and three. What matters to me is that you were worried about it, and you didn't say anything. I know you didn't want me to worry, and believe me I appreciate the thought. But what I don't think you understand is that when you do that, it makes me feel like I'm not a part of your life. I want to be there for you, Benny, I want to be important to you. I want to know how you feel, what you worry about, what you hope for, what you're afraid of. Please."
"All right. I will try. You are important to me, Ray. I love you. It's just that this is a very difficult time for me, and I just... need... time. I will try. I will."
Ray gave him a measuring look. "Okay. And I'll try too. Let's go inside."
~~~March 18, 2004~~~
Ben stifled a groan as he lowered himself carefully onto the bed, guiding his descent with one hand as he supported his massive belly with the other. Ray set down his book, rolled up to a sitting position behind him with his customary lithe grace, and helped Ben to lean back against him. "Back still bothering you?" Ben bit his lip and nodded, trying to breathe slowly. "Here." He shifted them both gently, sliding his hands between their bodies to massage Ben's lower back.
"Mmmm." Ben relaxed under his ministrations with a grateful sigh. "You have such wonderful hands, Ray," he murmured indistinctly.
"Glad I could help." He kneaded the flesh under his fingertips, the silence broken only by Ben's small sounds of pleasure and brief requests that he move higher or lower, or press harder or not so hard, please. "Have you tried anything for the pain? What happened to that prescription the doctor gave you?"
"I didn't want to" he grunted slightly as Ray's fingers found a particularly sore spot "take anything unless I had to. It's not... that bad, Ray."
Ray's hands stilled and he wrapped his arms around his partner. "Benny, you're in so much pain you can barely walk! You--"
"Ray, please." Ben tugged at the arms that were drawn uncomfortably tight around his middle.
"Oh, sorry." Ray loosened his grip. "That better?" Ben nodded, and he resumed his argument. "Taking medicine so you can function isn't going to hurt anything. They make it specially for this sort of thing, so it won't hurt the baby. The doctor wrote out the prescription for you. So what's the problem?"
"I don't know, Ray. It's just habit, I suppose. You know I never take drugs if I can help it."
Ray sighed. "Yeah. I know. How about a hot bath then? Maria used to tie up the first-floor bathroom for hours at a time when she was pregnant. And they always used to tell us to use heat to take care of muscle aches when I was in training."
Ben turned his head and eyed him reluctantly. "Heat? Ray..."
After a second's thought, Ray realized what he was suggesting and chuckled. Over the past six weeks, the thermostat in the apartment had crept steadily lower, until Ray had taken to wearing sweaters indoors all day while Ben wore his short-sleeved maternity tops and tried not to complain about being hot. After a few nights of midnight blanket struggles that usually ended in picking the comforter up off the floor in the morning, they had reached a compromise. All of the covers were now folded double over Ray's half of the mattress, leaving Ben's side with a sheet only, which he still occasionally kicked off in his sleep. No, heat was probably not the best suggestion. He thought. "How about some kind of a sling? You know, something that would support the baby, maybe transfer some of the weight to your shoulders instead of it all hanging from your lower back?"
Ben looked thoughtful, then quickly pulled himself out of Ray's embrace and, with an effort, retrieved the pad of paper and a pencil from the bedside table and propped himself up against the pillows. He folded back the pages that had been devoted to the list of names, noting as he did so that "Karen" had been added to the list, and turned up a fresh page. Ray watched with interest as he drew a swift outline of his pregnant form, then tried various designs for a sling, muttering to himself as he did so. The first sketch, to Ray's untutored eye, looked very much like a dogsled harness. The second resembled a badly-made women's bathing suit. The third, as it began to take shape, looked more promising. It was, quite simply, a broad band of material that encircled the body from hip to waist, held up by suspenders.
Ben's muttering grew more excited. "Add a zipper... here..." his pencil flew over the page, making notes and drawing arrows. "And an elastic panel here. There," he turned his sketch for Ray's approval, "What do you think?"
"Um... can you actually make that thing?"
"Of course, Ray. Sewing is very simple, really, all you need is a basic knowledge of geometry, a reasonable amount of manual dexterity and a little patience. Now," he quickly wrote out a list on a second sheet of paper, tore it out, and handed it to Ray. "Here is a list of the things I'll need. If you could just run out and pick them up while I make up a pattern, I can whip this up in no--"
"Benny, it's eleven o'clock at night."
"Oh, I'm not tired, Ray. And this will only take a couple of hours."
"Well yeah, that may be, but I don't think many fabric stores have 24-hours-a-day service."
"Oh. Well." He appeared crestfallen for a moment, then began to struggle to his feet. "Is there-- ungh-- anything around the apartment we could--"
"Benny, hey," Ray laid a restraining hand on Ben's arm. "Don't worry about it. Just come to bed. I'll go out first thing in the morning and get your stuff, and you can work on it while I look up all that stuff they asked me for on the Neumann case."
After a brief resistance, Ben gave in and lay back against the pillows. Ray turned back to his long-neglected book on criminal psychology, and had finished about a page and a half when Ben suddenly spoke. "You know, some pemmican would be wonderful right about now."
The book dropped onto Ray's chest. "Pemmican?"
"Dessicated meat, Ray. It's a dietary staple in the far north."
"I know what pemmican is. Why--"
"I was just lying here and it suddenly occurred to me that it had been a long time since I had had any. Ray, you don't suppose..."
"No, I don't!"
"Oh, Ray, come on. I'm sure that someone in this city--"
"At eleven at night?"
"But I thought you Americans said that the city never sleeps?"
"No, Benny, that's 'THE city THAT never sleeps,' and it's a nickname for New York. It has nothing to do with Atlanta, or with the fact that the people down here don't usually make a lot of Inuit food."
"Please?"
"Oh, God, not the Big-Eyed Mountie Look. All right, all right, I'm going. I'll see what I can find. No promises though, all right?" He got out of bed and pulled a pair of slacks on over his pajama bottoms.
"Thank you kindly, Ray."
"Yeah." He slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed his keys and wallet, and was out the door.
When he returned, it was shortly after midnight, and Ben was asleep. Ray sighed and smiled ruefully, replacing his keys on the dresser as quietly as possible and carefully settling the large brown paper bag he carried on the dresser top next to them. Noiselessly, he slid out of his shoes and slacks, went to the bathroom, and slipped into bed beneath his massive pile of blankets without disturbing his partner. He reached up and switched off the light, settled into his pillows, and closed his eyes.
"Ray?"
He opened them again, but didn't move, hoping Ben would simply go back to sleep. His hopes were dashed when he felt his shoulder being determinedly shaken.
"Ray, are you awake? Did you get it?"
He gave up and switched the light back on, then sat up and swung his feet back onto the cold floor. "No pemmican, big surprise there, but--" he retrieved the bag from the top of the dresser "You are in luck. Welcome to the South, the land of beef jerky." He dumped the contents of the bag onto the bed. "Okay, we have... plain beef jerky, spicy beef jerky, Honey Barbecue beef jerky, teriyaki beef jerky, Turkey Jerky, Bubba's Cajun Style beef jerky, a Slim Jim, and some dried venison. The guy down at the mini-mart says he shot it himself."
Ben sniffed at the various items one by one, and sampled a few of them. He reached the dried deer meat, took a larger bite, and chewed it slowly. "It's a little different, but the flavor is very much like dried caribou. Would you like some?"
"No thanks. You go ahead."
Ben finished the piece, a blissful expression on his face, then rooted through the highly fragrant pile of dried beef. "Was there any more?"
"The guy at the store had plenty, but that's all I got. I didn't want to get too much of any one thing, 'cause I wasn't sure what you'd like." Noticing Ben's vaguely disappointed look, he added "I can get you more tomorrow when I'm out looking for the stuff for the sling."
"Thanks, Ray." Ben smiled adoringly at him. "Could you, ah..." he gestured at the pile of food on the blankets.
Ray rolled his eyes and dropped a rough kiss on Ben's forehead, then swept the jerky back into its paper bag and carried it into the kitchen. Ben was asleep again by the time he returned, and he slid gratefully between beef-scented sheets, switched off the light, and closed his eyes. This time, he was allowed to sleep until morning.
~~~March 19, 2004~~~
Ray doggedly worked his way through the stacks of files piled around him on the kitchen table. The work went more slowly than it might otherwise have, as he kept checking up on his partner's progress. Ben was sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by scraps of light-blue cotton fabric, bits of thread clinging to his pants, a tin of dried venison close at hand, stitching away with almost mechanical precision. Over the course of the morning, a strong criminal case and an oddly-shaped support garment both began to take shape.
At long last, just as Ray hit "send" on a document~that would finally send to justice a man who, for the last six years, had made a living embezzling priceless artifacts from museums, Ben bit through his thread. "Ray, could you help me with this?"
Ray closed his laptop without turning it off, ignoring its indignant beep, and held out a hand to help Ben up. With an effort, he managed to reach a vertical position, and removed his shirt. Then he looked in despair at his project, which was still lying, unreachably, at his feet. Before he had time to ask, Ray had picked it up and handed it to him.
"Thanks, Ray." Wrapping it around himself, he turned and presented his back. "Could you, ah, zip me up?" His partner complied, then stepped back to view the results. "You dropped the suspender idea?"
"I thought I'd try it without first. I can always add them later." He adjusted his new belt slightly and looked at Ray anxiously. "How does it look?"
Ray shrugged. "Looks fine to me. How does it feel on? Does it help with the... with the weight?"
Ben wriggled experimentally, looking thoughtful. "It seems to. It may take some time to get used to, but it does relieve some of the pressure."
"Put your shirt on. Let's see how it looks under clothes." Ben retrieved his dark green maternity top from the back of the chair and pulled it on. "It's hung up on the belt in back." Ray reached around and quickly pulled the shirt down, then eyed him critically once more. "Looks fine. You can't even tell you're wearing it. Go look in the mirror."
Ben's appearance passed his own inspection, and as they stood together in front of the mirror, he ventured a hesitant question. "Ray... do you think I... ought to dress as a woman in public?"
"What?!"
"Just for the next few weeks."
"Why?"
"I think it might be safer. Apparently many people already believe that I am a woman, and it could be dangerous, or at the very least inspire questions that may prove uncomfortable to answer, if they discover that I am not. You yourself have suggested--"
"I did what?!"
"Well, not in so many words, of course. But you have, on multiple occasions, admonished me against letting the world at large know that I am a pregnant male. Until now, we have accomplished this by concealing the fact that I am pregnant. However, as that is becoming increasingly difficult, it would only be logical to change our tactics and conceal the fact that I am male."
"Benny, it's not that easy."
"On the contrary, Ray, I believe it would be quite simple. The fact that I am pregnant already sends a strong signal of 'woman' to those who see me. All we would have to do is help that illusion along. A bit of makeup, perhaps a change of name--"
"That isn't what I meant. I know you can look like a woman, Benny, you proved that to me nine years ago. But how do we explain who you are, where you came from, or where the other you went? I mean, what about the neighbors? Some of 'em already think something's up. If a strange woman-- a strange *pregnant* woman-- starts hanging around here and you suddenly vanish, they're gonna be sure of it. Even if it doesn't clue 'em in to what's really going on, it's definitely going to raise even more questions than strangers seeing you on the street and getting curious."
Ben's lower lip trembled. "Oh. I just thought..."
Ray sighed as he wrapped his arms around his partner. He wasn't going to miss these mood swings. "Shh. It's OK, Benny. It was a good idea, and maybe we should be prepared in case we have to pull it off later. I just think that for right now, maybe it's better if we just let people think whatever they want to, OK?"
Ben sighed pitifully and snuggled into Ray's shoulder. "I suppose you're right, Ray."
They went on holding each other quietly, until Ray became aware of an odd sensation against his stomach. It took him a minute to place it, but suddenly it hit him. "She just moved, didn't she?"
Ben smiled wryly and rubbed at his abdomen. "Actually, she's kicking. Quite vigorously, I might add. You felt that?"
Ray nodded, looking thrilled. "I've never felt it like that before. Just with my hand. It was like... wow. Is that what it feels like to you?"
"The wow part, yes. The actual physical sensation is, I suspect, quite different. Feeling a movement on the outside of one's body is very different from feeling it inside."
Ray looked vaguely disappointed, but he nodded understandingly. "Yeah, I guess it would be. Sort of like the first time we..." he trailed off, the corners of his eyes crinkling slightly.
"Very much like that, actually." Ben smiled. "Or like this." He leaned forward and kissed him gently. He kept it chaste at first, dropping light, dry, nibbling kisses on his lips. Then he switched tactics suddenly, pulling Ray into a long, deep, sensual kiss.
When he'd caught his breath, Ray searched his eyes longingly. "I want to know how it feels to you, Benny. Can you show me?"
Ben shook his head sorrowfully. "I wish I could."
"Then let me learn how you feel."
They undressed each other as slowly as they had the first time they had ever made love. As on that day, the element of sexuality was almost entirely superseded by sensuality and exploration. Ben let Ray take the lead, running his hands over the familiar body that had grown so new and different. He cupped, kneaded, and suckled the small breasts, drawing soft sounds of pleasure from Ben. He caressed the rounded belly, pressing his cheek to the spot where he felt his daughter move, and kissed her reverently. Finally they slept, the three of them curled together, clothed in the golden stripes of late afternoon sunshine slanting through the blinds.
~~~March 23, 2004~~~
"Foot."
Ben sighed and stuck out one sock-clad foot. "Ray..."
Ray slipped the shoe on and tied it carefully, making sure it wasn't too tight around Ben's ankle, since they were beginning to swell when he stood too long. "Come on, Benny. You've been running around the apartment like you're possessed all morning. You need to get outside, get some fresh air and burn off some of this energy. Other foot."
Ben complied. "You don't have to do this, you know."
Ray glanced up at him with a half-smile. "I do if I value my sanity." He double-knotted the lace and stood up, holding out his hands. "Up."
Taking the proffered hands, Ben allowed himself to be pulled to his feet, then stretched slowly as Ray slipped on a jacket.
"I suppose asking if you want your coat would be an exercise in futility," Ray asked over his shoulder, handing off the Stetson.
"Thanks, Ray." He settled the hat firmly on his head. "And no, thank you."
"All right, Tundra Boy. C'mon."
Once in the car, Ben spent a few minutes fussing with the seat belt, trying to arrange it so that it conformed to safety standards without pressing too uncomfortably on his stomach. Finally giving up, he settled back and asked, "Where are we going?"
"Anywhere you want. I was thinking we'd go down to Piedmont Park and walk around there for a while, and then if you get tired we can stop at one of those shops and get a smoothie or something. But anything you want is fine with me."
"Oh, no, that sounds nice, Ray. But, ah, could we stop first? I have to, ah..." He paused and blushed faintly.
Ray grinned as he pulled the car into the parking lot across the road from the park. "One pit stop, coming up."
*****
"Excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am!"
Suddenly realizing that the cashier was speaking to him, Ben spun around. "I'm sorry. Were you--"
She smiled at him. "You were going in the wrong door. That's the men's room."
"Oh, I..." he found himself at a loss for words, unable to either lie or tell the truth. Fortunately, she saved him.
"Don't worry about it, dear. I remember how scatterbrained I got when I was carrying my three."
He returned her smile a little uncomfortably, took a deep breath, and placed his hand on the other door. Offering up a silent prayer that it was unoccupied, he entered the ladies' restroom.
Luck seemed to be with him, as he made it safely to the cubicle and finished his business without anyone else coming in. He was just rinsing the last of the soap from his hands when he heard the dreaded sound of the door opening behind him. His back stiffened involuntarily, and he didn't turn around. He listened to the sound of footsteps crossing tile-- ladies' pumps, most likely three-quarter-inch heels, the back of his mind informed him dully, accompanied by a scuffling sound that he quickly identified as a child's sneakers. He waited until he heard the cubicle door close, then shut off the water and turned to reach for a paper towel.
There was an audible gasp from the cubicle. He froze and turned scarlet, and whipped his head around when he heard the door open again. 'Mommy' gave him one look, which he returned with a sickly smile. Then she turned back to her child. "Cherie Scarborough! How could you!? Now look, you've embarrassed that nice lady. I'm really very sorry, ma'am," she said, turning to Ben.
"That's... quite all right," he managed, and fled. As the door was closing, he could hear the woman inside continue her scolding.
"Cherie, I am very disappointed in you. That's no w--" The rest of the speech was mercifully cut off, and he issued a mental apology to Cherie. Tipping his hat to the cashier, who gave him a knowing smile and a wave, he was out the door. Ray stared after him in surprise, and, hastily stuffing his issue of Pure Maple Syrup into the Cosmopolitan rack, he followed.
*****
Ray expected Ben to stop at the car, but he kept going, making it across the intersection just before the light changed. Since it was barely after two on a Tuesday afternoon, traffic was light, and he managed to dash across in pursuit. He found Ben a short distance inside the park, leaning heavily on the back of a bench with one hand as he supported his belly with the other. As he approached, Ben tried to straighten up, then winced in pain. Ray was immediately at his side.
"Are you all right? Here, lie down." He swept some newspapers from the bench with one hand as he helped Ben onto it with the other. "Put your feet up," he added, lifting them. "Are you OK? Is there anything I can do? Should I call an ambulance?" He hovered anxiously, trying unsuccessfully to check his watch to see if fifteen seconds had passed while massaging Ben's stomach.
"No, Ray, it's all right. Just... give me a minute." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. After the second breath, he relaxed and smiled. "There. The pain is gone. See, nothing to worry about."
"You're sure?"
"Positive. I'm fine, Ray. Really."
Ray studied him intently, and when Ben met his eyes without flinching, he rested his forehead on Ben's knee and let go of his tension with a sigh. "Thank God."
When he didn't move, Ben laid a hand on his shoulder and brushed his cheek gently with a fingertip. "Ray?"
He looked up and found himself under a questioning blue gaze. He swallowed hard. "Sorry, Benny. I guess I was... God, don't do that to me, all right?" He smiled weakly.
Ben returned the smile. "Sorry, Ray. I didn't exactly intend to."
Ray sat beside the bench with a crunch of pea gravel. "So what was all that about, anyway?" Ben took hold of the back of the bench and began to pull himself upright, but Ray laid a hand on his arm. "No, don't sit up just yet."
"Ray, I'm fine."
"Just humor me, Benny. Please."
With an affectionate glare, Ben settled back onto his side on the hard wood, pillowing his head on one arm.
Ray continued. "So, what gives? We go into the store, you're fine, I go to the magazine rack, you go to the bathroom, and the next thing I know you're running past me and over here and you're so worked up you have an attack. So is this another mood swing, or did something happen in the bathroom, or what?"
Ben smiled ruefully. "A little of both, I suppose. It seems silly, now."
"Hey, you've never let that stop you before."
"I beg your pardon?" Ben asked mildly, propping himself up on his elbow.
"Does 'It was Bing, Bang, Boom, Your Honor' ring a bell? Or tracking a car by sniffing wolf piddle?" Ben looked hurt. "Hey, I didn't mean it like that. I mean, you were right about the shooting, and we found the car. It's just, you gotta admit some of the stuff you do looks pretty silly."
"Hmph." Ben settled back onto his side, shifting a little as the baby moved reassuringly within him.
"Benny, come on. What happened in there?"
Ben stroked his stomach with an embarrassed half-smile. "The cashier mistook me for a woman and helpfully directed me to the ladies' restroom. Once inside, a young girl identified me as a man, and embarrassed her mother, who also thought I was a woman and apologized profusely."
Ray made an unsuccessful attempt to stifle his laughter, and ended up apologizing between chuckles.
"You think that's funny?"
"No... yes... I mean no... sorry, Benny." He managed to stop laughing, but the twinkle didn't leave his eyes.
After a few seconds, Ben's icy blue glare melted, and he smiled. "I suppose you're right. May I get up now, by the way?"
"What? Oh, sure. You don't have to ask my permission, you know."
"Well, you did tell me not to sit up yet, earlier."
"I was worried."
"I know, and thank you, by the way. And regardless of whether or not I need your permission, I will need your help."
"Got it." Ray scrambled to his feet and offered a hand, which Ben took and pulled himself upright. "Ready to walk?"
"Actually, Ray, I'm a bit hungry."
"Anything specific this time, or just in general?"
"Potato chips."
"What?!"
"Potato chips. A fairly popular snack item made of thin slices of potato fried in hot oil, salted, and occasionally seasoned with various flavors, originally known as 'Saratoga Chips' because of the city where they were first made, when--"
"I know what potato chips are, Benny," Ray interrupted finally. "But in all the time I've known you, I have never, ever, seen you eat one."
"I've had potato chips before," Ben said defensively.
"Yeah? When?"
"On multiple occasions."
"Which means what, twice?"
"Three times, actually. The first time was at Innusiq's eleventh birthday party, after he had read about them and asked his father to order them specially through the trading post. They took longer to arrive than anticipated, because the supply trains were blocked by ice and couldn't get through until the next thaw, and since he refused to celebrate his birthday without them, the party was held approximately four months after his official birthday. Then I had them once in Basic Training, and once when Inspector Thatcher assigned me to speak at a local elementary school and I was asked to join the students for lunch in the cafeteria."
Ray grinned. "Oh. I stand corrected. So, what flavor do you want?"
"How many are there?" Ben asked innocently.
Ray's grin widened, and he took him by the arm. "Come on. Let's introduce you to junk food."
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