"There sure are a lot more stars out here," Ray commented as they walked back to the grey sedan he was driving in lieu of the Riv. "Vegas had even less than Chicago, if that's possible."

Ray had returned to Chicago about two weeks before, and they had tagged along on a routine bust as part of the department's way of breaking him back into the police schedule gently. Remarkably, everything had gone as planned; the suspects had been apprehended in the boarded-up cabin they were using as a drug lab, and had surrendered almost without a struggle. A couple of uniforms were loading the prisoners into a squad car to be taken to the station, and Ben and Ray were free to go home. It was a fair walk from the cabin to the main road where they'd left the car, and the pair took it slowly, enjoying the peaceful night and the chance to reconnect with one another. The stars were only one more excuse to linger, but since both were looking for excuses, neither minded.

"You know, Ray, that was one of the hardest things to get used to when I first came here. I was expecting the more obvious changes, the buildings and the crowds and so forth. But somehow, I suppose subconsciously I expected that the stars would be the same."

Ray placed a sympathetic hand on Ben's shoulder as the man continued to gaze upwards. After a moment, for lack of anything better to say, he asked, "So, you know your constellations?"

The question took Ben by surprise. "Yes, Ray."

"I never got much beyond the Big Dipper. Wanna show me a couple?"

Ben smiled in the darkness and complied, pointing out several groupings by their Inuit and Western names. "...And there are the Pleiades, or the Seven Sisters," he said, indicating a small cluster. "A traditional test of eyesight is to count the number you can distinguish."

"Where?"

"Here. Sight along my arm." Ben placed a hand on Ray's far shoulder and put his head beside his friend's.

Ray squinted. "That little smudge?"

"Mm-hmm." Ben dropped his pointing arm but left his hand and head where they were. "You'll find you can see more clearly if you look slightly to one side or the other. It has to do with the arrangement of rods and cones in the retina of the eye."

"Oh, yeah! Let's see... I see five... no, six."

"That's good. Most people can see at least five, but it takes very sharp eyes to see all seven."

"Lemme guess. You can see eight."

"That's just silly, Ray."

They turned from the starry sky to smile at each other, and something about the physical and emotional closeness after several months of separation, combined with the classical romance of the situation, infected them both at the same moment. Their eyes met, and slowly the short distance between them closed. Lips met, hesitantly, softly...

Suddenly Ray broke away, turning his back to a startled Ben. "This is crazy. Come on, let's go home." His voice was terse, almost harsh.

"Ray?"

"Just get in the car, Benny," he answered tightly, his eyes stinging as he fought the urge to cry.

Ben obeyed in wide-eyed silence, which lasted for most of the drive back to the apartment. Once he tried to speak, but Ray cut him off. "I don't wanna talk about it."

He tried again as they pulled up in front of his new apartment building. "Ray..."

"Look, Benny, I'm sorry. It's just... I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow, OK?"

"All... all right, Ray," he answered uncertainly. "Good night..."

"Night," Ray replied briefly, pulling the car away almost immediately.

Ben walked slowly up the stairs to his apartment, trying not to take the brush-off personally. He knew that Ray would never hurt him intentionally, and he could tell that his friend was deeply upset by what had happened between them. But why? Surely it couldn't have come as such a surprise... he himself had noticed their relationship changing, deepening, in the months before Ray had gone undercover. After the initial shock had worn off, he had embraced the development. Had Ray really been unaware of it?

Opening the apartment door, he greeted Diefenbaker absently and went to the window, leaning on the sill in the still-darkened room. Maybe... maybe Ray had noticed the change, and had gone undercover to escape it. Running away, like everyone else he had ever loved...

There was a knock at the door, breaking into his thoughts. "Benny?" Ray put his head cautiously through the doorway, as one unsure of his welcome.

Ben took a deep breath and collected himself. "Ray. Come in."

Still hesitant, Ray came all the way into the room and closed the door. In response to Ben's wordless invitation, he sat on the end of the bed in the light streaming through the unshaded window. "Look," he sighed, "I figure I owe you an explanation."

"I was... curious."

"Yeah. I don't blame you. It... it's nothing against you personally. It's just... I can't do this."

Ben sat carefully beside him. "By 'this' you mean...?"

"I mean..." he searched for words. "This," he said finally, laying a hand on Ben's cheek, thumb brushing Ben's lips gently. He let it linger there for a moment, then abruptly took it away and folded his hands in front of him, staring at the floor. "I'm sorry."

Ben placed his hand over his friend's, causing the wide green eyes to look up into his, the pupils huge in the dim light. "It's all right, Ray. But..." he hesitated. "Why?"

Ray sighed and got up to stand by the window, staring outward into the starless city night. "It's a long story." There was a pause. "Did I ever tell you I had a brother?"

Somewhat puzzled by the apparent non sequitur, Ben answered "You mentioned it once in passing, when we were at the mental hospital. Neither you nor anyone in your family ever spoke of him again, and I didn't want to pry."

"Yeah, well, we don't talk about him. Officially, he's off-limits as a family conversational topic," Ray said bitterly. When Ben merely looked at him questioningly, he continued. "Carlo was about five years older than me. I mean, he is five years older than me, if he's still alive out there.

"Anyway, he was the oldest of us, and when he went off to college Ma and Pop were so proud. He was all they talked about, how good his grades were and what a great son he was and all that. Then he comes home for his first summer break, and he says he needs to talk to my parents about something important. So Maria and Frannie and me all go up to our rooms, only I sneak back down and listen in to what they're saying."

Ray turned to face Ben. "Benny, he told them he was gay. I wasn't even really sure what that meant, but I knew it was something bad from the way Ma screamed. She just screamed and then started crying and crying... Pop yelled, and I could hear him breaking stuff. I heard him hit Carlo, hard, and Ma was still crying and she didn't even try to stop him like she usually would. They ran out right past me, Pop chasing Carlo and saying he was no son of his and threatening to kill him if he ever dared to show his face around us again."

He looked away again. "The next day he came back and knocked on the door and he had this big black eye. Ma just handed him a big box with his clothes and stuff and shut the door in his face, didn't even say a word. Pop wasn't there; he had gone out to the bar right after Carlo left and he didn't come back for two days. That was the first time he got really drunk.

"That night Ma sat down with me and Maria and Frannie and told us that our brother was dead and we were never supposed to talk about him or say his name again. She didn't say why. Frannie tried to ask, she said 'Why is Carlo' but as soon as she said his name Ma slapped her face. Ma'd never hit any of us before... Pop, sure, but Ma didn't hit. So we all just stared at her, and then we said 'Yes, Ma,' and that was the end of it. That was the end of my brother."

Ray turned back to face Ben, and the light from the window revealed the shining tracks of tears. "He was nineteen, Benny. He was nineteen and my family kicked him out of the house because he was gay. He wrote to us once or twice, but Ma burned the letters without even opening them. He didn't even come to his own father's funeral. I don't know if he even knows he's dead. Not that it would matter if he did."

Ray came back to the bed and crouched in front of a silent, horrified Ben. Taking the unresisting hands in his own, he continued. "That's why I was so glad when this assignment came up. I could feel things between us changing, and I just couldn't... I couldn't face it, Benny. It's not just what it did to Carlo. I could maybe face that, if it was just my life. But it almost destroyed my family, Benny. After Carlo, Pop started drinking a lot. Before that he used to go out and have a beer or two, but afterwards it got really serious. He'd go out almost every day and get drunk, and then he'd come home and a lotta times he'd slap us around. Said he was gonna teach us what a real man was like, so I'd grow up right and my sisters'd know what they were supposed to marry. He started shoving Ma around too. I think he blamed her for Carlo. I think it threatened him too, so he felt like he needed to prove himself... my bedroom was right next to theirs and at night I would hear...Oh, God, Benny..." Somehow Ray found himself enfolded in Ben's strong arms, and buried his face in the comforting shoulder. Ben's embrace was somewhat awkward, but it was enough. After a few minutes, he pulled away, wiping his face and moving to sit beside Ben on the bed.

"I was so scared, Benny. I was terrified that I'd turn out to be gay like Carlo, and I fought it like crazy. I'd go out with girls I didn't even like, just to prove to myself and to my father that I was straight. I mean, I liked some of 'em, like Irene. I do like women. It's just that I was so scared not to be with a girl that it didn't matter if I liked her or not. I married the first girl I thought would say yes, because I thought that as soon as I was married I could quit worrying, I'd be safe. You know, I loved Ange. I really did. We just got married at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons. We lasted six years, and then I think we both realized it was time to stop pretending. After the divorce, I tried harder than ever. You remember what I was like, when we first met?"

Ben nodded. "I remember. You often spoke of your 'dates,' but I never knew you to go on one. You were always either at home, or at work, or with me."

Ray laughed at that, a short, harsh exhalation. "Yeah. You were my worst nightmare come true, only I was too busy trying to prove myself to even realize it. Then one day I woke up and I knew I was in love with you. It just kinda snuck up on me. I didn't know what to do about it; half of me's screaming that I can't be gay, the other half's screaming at the first half that it's already ruined most of my life and I'm not gonna run away and let it ruin the best friendship I ever had. Finally I just decided to ignore my feelings for you and go on like they never existed. Then I started getting signals from you and I thought there was a real chance something might actually happen between us, and I knew I couldn't let it. I couldn't do that to my family again. So when this undercover thing came up, I took it. I took it and I ran away. I was kinda hoping that spending a couple of months apart would give whatever was happening between us a chance to die down, and I could come back and everything would be OK again. Only it's not, is it? I mean, tonight... and now here we are."

Sensing that the speech was at an end, Ben took a deep breath and began. "Ray, your desire to protect your family is commendable. However, hiding your feelings will not make them go away. If anyone knows that, I do." They exchanged wry half-smiles in the darkness. "You are who you are, Ray, and I want you to know that I value you for who you are. I will understand, however, if you choose not to act on your feelings for me."

"God, Benny, I don't know anymore. I just don't know. I need some time to think about it."

"You know I'll give you all the time you need."

Ray laughed painfully again. "Yeah. I know." He rose to leave, and Ben followed. "See you tomorrow?"

Ben swallowed hard and nodded. "The usual time." Ray reached the door and opened it, then paused and turned around when he heard Ben call his name. Their eyes met, and they stood silently for a moment. Finally, Ben said, "I love you."

"I love you too, Benny," Ray answered seriously, then quietly closed the door, and Ben listened to the sound of his footsteps fading in the hall.

~END~

"You know what your problem is, Ray?"

"No Frannie, why don't you tell me?"

"Yeah, I'll tell you.  Your problem is that you're so afraid to dream.  You are so afraid to reach out for something that you really want.  You know what happens to people like you?  They get old, they get alone, and they die.  And they never know."