"It's a, uh..."

"It's a fruitcake."

"It's a fruitcake!  Gee, uh, thanks, Frase.  You make this yourself?"

"Yes, actually.  Mrs. Gamez gave me the recipe."

"Um... I don't know what to say."

"No need to say anything.  Just enjoy it."

"Yeah, I sure will.  Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Ray."

*****

December 19, 1997, 11:07 A.M., the 27th Precinct, Chicago, IL

"Hey, Tom, just the guy I was lookin' for.  Got something for you."

"A fruitcake?"

"Yeah, you know, nice and Christmassy.  I know it's a little early, but I figure, why not?  Just gives you more time to enjoy it."

"Yeah, uh, I'll be sure and do that.  Merry Christmas to you too."

*****

December 19, 1997, 2:37 P.M., the 27th Precinct, Chicago, IL

"Yo, Jack.  Merry Christmas."

"Hey, a fruitcake.  Thanks, Tom, you shouldn't have."

"Hey, what's a little fruitcake between partners?"

*****

December 19, 1997, 2: 41 P.M, the 27th Precinct, Chicago, IL

"Detective Huey, my office."

"Yes, sir?"

"Have you managed to accomplish anything on the Weinshenk heist?"

"Yes, sir.  My partner is on the phone checking on a lead as we speak."

"Good.  I want this case closed by Christmas."

"Absolutely, sir.  And speaking of Christmas, I'd like you to have this."

"Oh, a fruitcake.  Thank you, Detective.  This wouldn't be considered brownnosing, would it, Detective?"

"Oh, no, sir."

"Good.  Because Christmas bonuses are based entirely on performance."

"Of course, sir."

*****

December 21, 1997, 6:48 P.M., the lobby of an apartment building in downtown Chicago, IL

"Mrs. Foust, I'd like you to have this to celebrate the holidays with your family."

"Why, thank you, Mr. Welsh.  Ah'm goin' to spend Christmas with mah daughter an' mah two grandbabies, and we shore will enjoy this."

*****

December 23, 1997, 12:34 P.M., a kitchen in a small apartment in Chicago

"Oh, Mama, you brought a fruitcake.  That's so nice.  You know what, I think I'll take this to work with me tonight.  We're having a Christmas party and this would be just right, it's so pretty.  Thank you so much."

*****
December 23, 1997, 10:12 P.M., the back room of a small medical clinic in a poor section of Chicago

"Hey, what's this?"

"Looks like a fruitcake.  Nobody took any of it, though.  Whoever brought it must have forgotten to take it home.  You want it?"

"Nah.  My mother used to make it every year, and I never could stand the stuff.  You go ahead."

*****

December 24, 1997, 9:17 A.M., the baggage checkpoint at O'Hare

"Excuse me, sir, what is that round object in your briefcase?"

"It's a fruitcake."

"You're carrying a fruitcake in your briefcase?"

*Laugh* "Hey, it's gotta be better than airline food."

"Excuse me, sir, would you please open your briefcase?"

*Sound of money being discreetly passed* "Now, that's not really necessary, is it?"

"Uh... no, I suppose not.  Have a merry Christmas, sir."

"Thank you.  Have one yourself."

*****

December 24, 1997, 4: 27 P.M., a nondescript but expensive car on a street in Las Vegas

"You like what you see?"

"Stuff looks good.  You're sure it's the real thing?"

"Pure as it comes."

"Good.  We'll be in touch."

"I get my money, right?"

"You'll get your money.  Soon as we test the stuff.  Policy, you understand."

"Oh, of course."

"What's this?"

"It's a fruitcake.  Spirit of the season and all that."

"I see.  Have a merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Langoustini."

*****

END

For those who care, inspiration for this story came from Sandra Boynton's book, "Christmastime."  Here is her version of the game:

A TRADITIONAL HOLIDAY SPORT

A fruitcake is a heavy, dark object 10" in diameter and 3" deep, that is wrapped in brandy-soaked linen and encased in a decorative circular tin.  Tin and cake together comprise the large "puck" that is used in the popular holiday game, "Pass the Fruitcake."  Here's how to play:

      The game starts with one team's delivery of the fruitcake to their opponents' house.  At least one player on the receiving team must feign delight while the rest of the team discusses where they should pass the cake.

      The object of the game is to get rid of the cake as soon as possible without eating or discarding it, and WITHOUT BEING DISCOVERED BY THE SENDING TEAM.  The sending team may drop in unexpectedly at any time, to check if the cake is still there.  If the receiving team is discovered NOT to have the cake, they must then make a plausible excuse, without actually lying ("Well, you can hardly expect to send a cake like that and have it stay around very long!") -- which will of course cause them to receive another fruitcake from the sending team.

      The first team to be taken in by the fruitcake's uncanny superficial resemblance to edible food-- i.e. to "bite"-- loses.  If no one has bitten by January 1, the team holding the cake must puncture it, soak it with heated brandy, and bury it in powdered sugar in its tin.  The cake is then put away until the following December 1, when the holding team volleys it to another household, and the game resumes.

      -- From "Christmastime," by Sandra Boynton