Ray?

He kept his eyes shut and tried to make his breathing slow and even.  Whether or not Ben was fooled, he couldnt tell, but he did stop.  With a final kiss and a slightly disappointed sigh, Rays pillow composed itself for sleep.

He felt a bit guilty.  It wasnt that he didnt want to make love; during the few hours of the day when he was truly awake and alert, he often found himself thinking of Ben and wishing he were home so that they could forget for a moment that they were parents.  Two Saturdays ago, when Ben had been readily available during his 11 AM energy boost, hed tried to take advantage of the situation.  His hand had been on the waistband of Bens boxer shorts when twelve-week-old Abbie had begun wailing for attention.  It had taken an hour and a half to calm and soothe her back to sleep, rocking and comforting and walking the floor with her in turns.  It had been Ben who had finally succeeded, and hed turned from the sleeping child in the crib to find an equally sleeping Ray sprawled across their bed.

The day that Ray had become Abbies official stay-at-home dad, time had slipped from its usual, more or less steady forward path and into something out of Einsteins stranger fantasies.  Most of it went by in a kind of sleepy haze, a misty world of warm goats milk and official documents, dirty diapers and dusty file folders, infant cries and the hum of the printer.  Those hours seemed to melt into one another, a month and a half of sleepwalking.  But sprinkled into his days and weeks, there were golden moments that seemed to stretch into eternity, images that stood out with sparkling clarity.  Abbie smiling up at him from the protective circle of his arms.  Ben lying flat on his back on the floor, holding her up and playing airplane.  Ben emerging from the shower half an hour later after Abbie had spit up on him, drops of water glistening on his softened body and running down to where the neat scar lay dark below his navel.  He was no longer the classically beautiful Adonis of ten years before, but Ray didnt mind.  It was Bens imperfections that he had fallen in love with in the first place, that had made him lovable.  Nobody could really love an image.

Now, curled around the perfectly imperfect body that he loved, Ray slept the sleep of the truly exhausted. 

Alone in his lovers embrace, Ben ran a thoughtful hand over that same body.  Finally pushing his fears to the back of his mind, he pulled up the covers and closed his eyes.  It was nearly an hour before thoughts slipped fitfully into dreams.

~~~Monday, August 9, 2004, 1:54 PM~~~

Thank you kindly, Maria.  Setting the phone carefully back onto its hook, he felt a flutter of mixed hope and dread as he circled Fridays date on the calendar.  He stretched his back absently as he stood up and wandered into the Consulate lobby, where he found Constable Wade artistically arranging the Welcome to Canada pamphlets on the side table.  It had been a slow day, and apparently still was.  He wandered back into his office, sat, and tried to avoid looking at the phone.

Another brief call later, he had reservations for Friday night at Rays favorite restaurant.  It wasnt bribery, he reasoned.  It was a reward.  Ray had shouldered the bulk of the responsibility of caring for their daughter, staying home with her during the day and insisting that Ben stay in bed while he responded to her cries at night, on the theory that his schedule was more flexible and he could nap when Abbie did.  It was logical enough, and Ray was stubborn enough, that Ben had pretty much stopped resisting, only getting up on weekends and on nights when he knew Ray was particularly tired.  The strain was taking its toll, however.  Most nights, he returned home to find Ray either caring for Abbie or nodding over his keyboard.  Hed change clothes as quickly as possible and take over parental duties as Ray collapsed on the bed or the sofa, or, as on one memorable occasion, the floor.  Hed been down there playing with Abbie at eye level when Ben had arrived, and peek-a-boo had gradually evolved into The Napping Game.  Ben hadnt had the heart to move him.

While Ray slept, Ben would take their daughter to the park and walk for about an hour, then return to the apartment and cook dinner. Ray would wake up and theyd eat, talk about their days, exclaim about how fast Abbie was growing, and play little games with her until bedtime.  Ben loved his daughter more than he had ever dreamed possible, and he loved the gentle, playful side of Ray that hed seen glimpses of for years but only really come to know in the past three months.  What worried him was that, with one thing and another, they hadnt made love in almost six. 

He refused to believe that it was his changed appearance that was responsible.  Ray just wouldnt wasnt that kind of person.  And besides, he had tried to initiate sex only a few weeks ago.  Theyd been interrupted and nothing had come of it in the end, but he had tried.  Intellectually, Ben was sure that it was sheer exhaustion that lay at the root of the problem.

So he was planning a day off.  Ray obviously needed one-- they both did, he realized as he stifled a yawn-- and he certainly deserved one.  While Ray took his Friday afternoon nap, Ben would drop Abbie off at the Vecchio house, where Mrs. Vecchio and Maria had agreed to keep her through Saturday afternoon.  The two of them would then be free to go out for a leisurely dinner, followed by a night of unbroken sleep, a quiet breakfast with real coffee and a chance to read the newspaper.  And then, well-rested and reconnected, perhaps they would make love.  If not hed worry about that on Saturday.

~~~Friday, August 13, 2004, 6:48 PM~~~

Ray yawned and slowly opened his eyes, then squeezed them shut again, reluctantly re-entering the land of the living.  A moment later, they drifted open and stayed that way.  He yawned again and sat up, flexing his neck to pop the kink out of it.  The rocking chair by the window caught his eye, and he blinked.

His best charcoal suit was draped neatly over the back.  The suit he reserved for dinner dates and special church services.  The suit that made heads turn and eyes follow him when he walked by.  For a few seconds he wondered if, in his sleep-deprived state, he had left it lying there since Abbies christening the month before.  Dismissing the question with a shake of his head, he got up and padded to the bathroom.

Ben was waiting for him when he returned from splashing water on his face.  Good evening, Ray.  How was your nap?

Sokay.  Hey, Benny, did you, um he gestured towards the chair, and noticed Bens secret smile.

Our reservations are for eight oclock.  Abbie is staying at your mothers until tomorrow afternoon, and we have the weekend to ourselves.  I thought perhaps you could use a day off.

He smiled.  Youre a good man, Benny.  Just give me a minute to take a shower and Im all yours.

~~~Saturday, August 14, 2004, 1:17 PM~~~

Ben lay quietly on his side, watching Rays face relaxed and smiling just a little as he slept.  Hed been watching for a little over half an hour when Rays eyelids began to flutter slightly, which eight years of Ray-watching had taught him to recognise as the five-minute prelude to waking.  He slipped out of bed, started a pot of coffee, and took a box of cinnamon rolls out of the cupboard where hed hidden it the previous afternoon.  They went into the oven to warm, and Ben sat down to wait.

He wasnt waiting for long.  Halfway through an article on campaign finance reform, he heard the toilet flush, and then Ray appeared at the bedroom door in his pajamas and robe, sniffing appreciatively.  Morning, Benny.

Ben laid down his paper.  Good morning.  Morning was a relative term, after all.  Breakfast is ready.

Smells good.  He poured himself a cup of coffee and waved Ben back down as he began to get up and get the rolls from the oven.  Taking out two plates, he plopped a warm cinnamon roll on each one and carried them to the table.  He set one in front of Ben and sat down, licking melted frosting from his fingers.  Glancing up in mid-lick, he caught his partners eye and smiled slightly, prolonging the action a bit longer than necessary.  Ben smiled back and picked up his own roll, then hesitated and looked at Ray.  Ray looked back.

Are you thinking what Im thinking?

Couch?

Ben picked up his plate and coffee cup.  Lets go.

*****

Ray sighed contentedly and leaned his head back against Bens shoulder as he chewed the last gooey bite of his breakfast.  Ive got to hand it to you, Benny.  You can really plan a day off.

It was my pleasure, Ray.  He took Rays plate and stacked it with his own, placed them on the coffee table, and resettled the two of them, Ray sliding down to lie across Bens lap with his head on the arm of the couch.

Yeah, about that theres something Ive been meaning to tell you.  I dont want you to feel like Im ignoring you, or I dont want you, or anything like that.  I just--

Ray, is this about you pretending to be asleep to avoid sex?

Ray jumped, then chuckled softly.  You noticed that, huh?

Yes.

Why didnt you say anything?

I assumed that you were either too tired, in which case I didnt want you to feel that you had to stay awake on my account, or that you no longer found me attractive.

Oh, Benny!  He tried to sit up, but Bens arms wouldnt let go.

Its all right, Ray.  I decided to wait and see whether a full nights sleep made a difference before I began to worry that the magic was missing.

Ray grinned, reaching up to stroke Bens hair.  Trust me, Benny, the magic is alive and kicking.

Ben leaned down slightly, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.  Ah, so my plan worked?

Perfectly.  Sliding his hand around to the back of Bens head, he pulled him the rest of the way down.

~~~Saturday, August 14, 2004, 4:32 PM~~~

We ought to get up.

You first.

I cant.

Why not?

Youre on my leg.

Hm.  Whatre we getting up for, anyway?

I promised your mother wed pick Abbie up before six.

M.  Guess we have to get up, then.

It would seem so, yes.

Pause.

How come youre not getting up?

Youre still on my leg.

Oh.  Ray squirmed as far as he could into the back of the sofa, and Ben managed to work his way to an upright position, then extended a hand and helped Ray up.  They gathered their pajamas from the living room floor and made their unsteady, couch-cramped way into the bedroom.

Hey, Benny?  Ray asked thoughtfully as he pulled an undershirt over his head.  Were you really afraid I didnt love you anymore?

No.  Bens voice sounded surprised, as though the question had never occurred to him.

But what about what you said earlier, that you figured I was either too tired to sleep with you or--

I was afraid you no longer found me attractive.  Theres a difference.  Ive never doubted that you loved me, Ray.  Ive known that since a few weeks after we met.

Yeah, and you neglected to inform me of the fact, and let me go through a year and a half of hell trying to figure it out.

Im sorry, Ray.  I assumed you knew.

Hmph.

I told you, I didnt know your affection was sexual in nature.

Hmph.

Youd been married, for Gods sake.

Hmph.  Well, I guess youve got a point, sex has always been kind of peripheral to our relationship.  I never even thought about you that way until after I knew I was in love with you.

Exactly.  So you understand how I could doubt your attraction to me without doubting your love for me.

Yeah, I guess so.  But look at it this way-- it was never your looks that attracted me to you, so your looks can never dis-attract me either.

Is that a word?

Does it matter?

Not really.  Ben was smiling.  Thanks, Ray.

No problem.  You do realize, however, that we may not have sex again until Abbies 18 unless you do this again.

Understood.

Great.  He kissed him briefly, lovingly.  Lets go pick up the chaperone.

~~~END~~~